When I started thinking about this question I thought it would be easy to answer, but as it turns out it was a LOT trickier than I thought.  There are a lot of people that show me bits and pieces of what God must be like.

One of the first people that comes to mind is my cousin Wesley.  Granted he is only twelve, but hear me out.  When he was just a toddler, two or three at the most, he loved to be around me.  I was on medication at the time that made me very sleepy and kept me in bed most of the day if I took the pills like I was supposed to.  That little boy would wait for me to wake up, and would run and wrap himself around my legs as I made my way to the front of the house.  One day I was in bed most of the day and I began to hear the pitter-pat of tiny feet and when I rolled over I found this little blonde head right next to my pillow.  Wesley had a simple question:  “Are you going to come play with me now?”

I had to smile.  I got up then, I may have just cuddled him on the couch but I went to him.  That little boy loved me so much that he sought me out.

I see God in Wesley in that God’s love for us is unconditional, it does not matter what time we get up or what our day has been like…God is there as a God of love and the God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).  I also see God in Wesley’s actions and reactions in that, like Wesley, God wants a relationship with me so much so that He seeks me out.

I also see what God must be like in my Grandmother.  One of the ways that I see God in her (though not the main one by any means) is in the many names that she has.  Josie, Josie Jean, Momma, Grandma Josie, Ma Josie, Ma Jo, and Jo Jo.

The main way that I see God in my Grandmother is as the loving parent that instructs me in the way that I should live my life and present myself to the world around me.

The Bible calls believers not to conform to the world in which we live (Romans 12:2) and for years JoJo has voiced her opinion on the way we choose to live.  There are certain things that I have been raised hearing that they were just flat inappropriate or inappropriate outside of marriage and I have not one doubt that we Granddaughters (the Grandsons are a tad young, but getting close) would be on the receiving end of a stern and disapproving lecture if we  are seen as not living by the standards that we have been taught.  I also have no doubt that no matter what we’ve done we can come home, explain ourselves, and get some of what we need most…forgiveness both from her and often from ourselves.  I know for sure that when I’ve had a really bad day I can call JoJo up and simply say “Hey it’s me, JoJo, I just need to talk” and after I’ve had my say, while the tears may be flowing and the sobs may be shaking me, I generally feel better.

Oh, and while this may not be the way that the Apostle Paul meant for us to receive comfort, there are days that the God of all Comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3-4) shows himself in one of her packages of homemade chocolate chip cookies or on really rare occasions a package that contains a cheesecake.

The outdoor world has always been soothing to me.  Some days I notice every little detail and others I only notice the sun beating down on me.

Last fall there was a day that I got really bad news about Uncle James, his cancer had spread aggressively and his time was extremely short.  My friend Zachary came to me as quickly as he could and after hugging me and letting me get angry he grabbed my camera and a bag of Resse’s cups that I had stashed in my room and coaxed me out onto the front porch of Roberts Hall.  There I saw a beautiful fall day just before sunset and I could not resist the smile that crept to my face.  After taking photos from the porch, I got down to the sidewalk and down in all the colors and I laughed.

I was beginning to cope and the outdoor beauty that my Uncle James loved so dearly was helping me do that.

The leaves are turning again as I write this and I can tell that within the next few weeks that beauty will call me out to it and I will once again be surrounded by something that can bring me great comfort.

[View with PicLens]

I find myself in Jacob and in Rachel on this one but what I want more than anything else is not just one thing…it can all be grouped in to a phrase that I hate more than most people know…oh man this is going to be a tough one to write, I can already feel the tears coming.

I want to be NORMAL.
Now I know that I have always said “”Normal is what is normal for you”", but the truth is I want to be considered Normal by society too.

I am a 29-year-old female with Cerebral Palsy and that does mean that I am in a walk er or wheelchair pretty much at all times (unless one of my pals decides to just be cute and carry me all over the place). I am also on my fourth, yes I said fourth attempt at a college degree. I have never been in a relationship and have never known what it is like to live life without needing help. Before you ask, yes it sucks…at times. I live with a foot in two worlds, one where all of those around me are in their late teens and early twenties and another world where people are in their late twenties or early to mid-thirties…I want things that I see in each world but I am not sure if I will ever have them.

Yes, the most obvious of things that I want is to be able to walk. Yup I said it, I admit it…I wish that I could walk and run around just as easy as all the friends that I try so hard to keep up with. I hate living a life that I describe as being in slow motion. That 10 minute shower you take is a 45 minute task for me…and that is only after I really get in that rhythm where I just know how to set it all up perfectly and stay as warm as possible. It takes you 5 minutes to dress and another 5 or 10 to do makeup, it takes me 20 to dress and I am just now learning makeup…it takes me about 20 minutes to feel as though I have done it right. Getting anywhere on campus that should be a five minute walk takes me at least 15 minutes…lets not even talk about the joke that is doing laundry…I want just one day of my life to be easy, one day where my body doesn’t fight me.

I watch as my younger set of friends begin to experience the freedoms of living away at college and to be honest I am experiencing some of these freedoms right alongside them, but I also watch as many of them fall in love for the first time. When I see this happen two things happen in me, one is that I begin to truly long for that experience in my life and the other is that I find myself becoming very possessive and protective of my friend. I’ll be the first to admit that it is very rare that I think some girl/guy is good enough for one of my friends and I am not too shy to let you know it.

For the record, nomatter which age range of friends I am talking about, I can think of only one relationship right off the top of my head that I was 100% comfortable with / in favor of from the very start. Some relationships that my friends get into I warm up to rather quickly, others take a little longer and there are still others that I am fairly sure that I will never really be okay with.

Yes I really do want to fall in love some day and find a great guy that I can be in a wonderful, meaningful, blessed, lasting relationship with…but right now I pretty much know I am not ready…that I cannot give a godly relationship the attention and care that it deserves. As crazy as it may sound that is one of the reasons that I set this challenge for myself, so that I would write my answers down and really have to think about what it is that I think and feel…not to sugarcoat it but to be honest with myself and with my God and I have no doubt that when I am ready God will bring the best man for me into my life and will make our marriage the strongest and most godly that it can be.

The other world that I am in is that of individuals in their late twenties and/or early to mid-thirties all of my friends in this world are engaged or married. If they are married odds are they have one child and if they do not have a second child, they are expecting or planning for it. I want the type of relationships that I see among these friends more than anything…and I want to be a mom. I am not sure that I could ever be a mother because of my Cerebral Palsy but I know the motherly instincts are there at least to a degree…I may not feel the need or desire to be with a small child for hours at a time but I do remember how I loved holding my cousin Wesley when he was born and will still sit up with Wes and his brother Cam when we are all visiting our grandparents at the lake…its supposed to be one movie but I will let it turn into two or three, and when they were small enough I would rock them to sleep. Wes is now 12 and is taller than me but he, along with his brother Cam is one of the 9 kids that I consider “”mine”"…nope I have no intentions of ever gaining custody of any of them, but I can be the cool cousin or pseudo aunt that will spoil them rotten and have all kinds of fun with them. When I am away at school, nothing puts a smile on my face faster than making the rounds to their blogs and finding new pictures, opening my email and finding a note from them or their parents with some tidbit about their week, talking to them on the phone, or even just hearing them fuss in the background. And if you want to see me melt, just let one of them hug my neck.

I want my own children but I am fairly certain I could never properly care for them without either having my husband be a stay at home dad or making enough money to hire a live in nanny….(not sure about letting my mom move in with us…but, you never know). I know that if I am meant to be a mother, it will happen and I am well aware that adoption is an option if I can’t or shouldn’t have one or more of my own.

So, yes, what I want more than anything is to be NORMAL.